For all those who don’t know - Resentment is the opposite of being grateful. It is actually a form of ‘civilized anger’. We all have experienced it but we don’t know exactly what it is and how severe it can be for our relationships. Okay, let’s say your teacher scolded you for talking in class when in reality, the entire class was talking or your parent scolded you more than your sibling for a mistake you both made. The feeling you have is the feeling of resentment. This is the most common problem in a relationship and begins to create problems if it keeps on building up. Let’s take another example. Suppose your boyfriend plays a song every morning despite telling him numerous times that it makes you feel sleepy and therefore he should stop. Maybe he is not doing it intentionally but you will feel as if he is. Or maybe once he asked you to do his work but you didn’t because you were busy too. Now, the very next day you both suddenly have a fight over a small issue, but this time this issue is no longer small and has blown out of proportion. Both of you will come up with your own complaints of what the other partner did today, yesterday or the day before. The fight in this way will no longer be a fight, but more of a frustration bursting drama. All this is resentment. We all face it in one way or the other but we try to subdue it because we don’t want to make things go bad, but in reality, we are making them worse.
So here are the reasons you may feel resentment:
Lack of Communication
The foremost reason for resentment in a relationship is lack of communication. Resentment is even compared to cancer in a relationship. It kills the relation slowly and steadily. If there is a habit I find annoying about my boyfriend I would try to ignore it so as to avoid any fights. Maybe, my partner is doing the same. But this will not help either of us for sure. Instead it will build inside our minds with even more incidents and misunderstandings until one day you will be showering them on the other partner. So communication is the first and the most important factor in a relationship and is a must if you want a healthy relationship.
Lack of Adjustment
Few days before I was reading some secret confessions of different people about their relationships. I was shocked to see the reasons for resentment in the relationships. One said “I feel resentment towards my girlfriend because she talks a lot and her habit of talking my ear off is getting quite irritating”. Another said that, “My boyfriend has been gaining weight in the last few months and I am no longer attracted towards him”. A women said, “My husband is so negative that I don’t want to hear anything from him and I resent him for this daily”. These examples clearly showcase how impatient people have become and they just don’t want to adjust at all. They want everything to be perfect when they themselves are not perfect. People should know how to adjust when they are in love with someone. It should come from inside and not forcefully.
Expectations beyond reality
Sometimes we keep having expectations from our partner when deep inside we know that it is not possible. It seems to be a very little thing, but this leads to serious relationship problems in future. It can be that your partner is busy with work or is stressed with work but, you can’t expect them to remember your monthly anniversary. It might be a very big thing to you and when the partner forgets it you feel like there is no love left between you both. But if you see from his side he is just busy with the work. No one is wrong in such a situation but expecting things when they can’t become a reality is a mistake. Don’t try to find reasons to fight, at least if you want to have a long relationship. Try to understand each other’s feeling because the same can come back to you too.
We all want to see our partner progressing not only in life but also in career. But when the partner is growing much more than you it might pinch you a little, especially of your life is stagnant. But the moment you start to think that you are somehow more lacking and feel inferior, you’ll start to resent them and it will affecting your relationship. But how much effect it has on you, depends entirely on
you. You have to understand the fact that both of you are a team. So his or her growth should inspire you to do more. But if you are lamenting over their progress then maybe your attitude is wrong or the behaviour they are showing towards you is wrong.
Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep
There are times when we make several promises believing that we’ll be able to fulfill our partner’s wishes just so that we can see them smile. However, sometimes, it’s impossible to do so, and what you end up doing is setting yourself up for failure. Know that we all have our limitations and so, don’t try to do things or make things happen that are clearly out of your reach. This way your partner will never feel disappointment over unfulfilled promises and hence, there will be no reason for resentment.
How To Deal With Resentment
Feel your Feelings
This is one of the most basic need to overcome resentment. People are unaware of the feeling of resentment but they feel it every day. You may call it jealousy or anything but the most important point is to recognize the feelings. The more you will run from them, the more they will follow you. Take time, try to understand your feelings and once you are sure about them, find a solution for it. This is the best way to overcome resentment.
Communicate with your partner
Maybe the main reason of resentment in your relationship is a communication gap. This is a very common couple problem as everyone nowadays is so focused on themselves wanting to be heard, rather than listening to what the other has to say. Sometimes you hear, but misinterpret what has
been said. So try to communicate as much as possible. Don’t try to subdue your emotions because if they will not come out then it will lead to the growth of other unwanted feelings and sentiments.
Try to be honest
People say “Honesty is the best policy” but, sometimes, not being honest becomes the best policy. To save relationships people sometimes avoid being honest which is right and is very important. You can’t fight with your partner every time over small things. This is not the way how a relationship works. But if you make a habit out of lying or hiding your emotions, it can lead to serious damage in the relationship. You don’t have to fake your emotions and feelings all the time, but if you get addicted to faking it, your relationship is bound end. So be honest whenever it is required. Open up to your partner as much as you can and see how many problems are you can solve together.
Share your feelings with someone
It is not always a wise decision to share your feelings with your partner. Maybe what you are feeling is common and other couples face them too. But how would you know that it is normal? Here your family and friends play a major role. After all, you can share with them the things which you can’t share with your partner. Believe me, they will guide you in the best possible way and will understand you much better. But still, if you think that it is not helping, you can, of course, talk to your partner.
Focus towards your goals
Maybe you are overthinking your relationship because you care about your partner a lot. But a relationship doesn’t work this way because you can’t take control of all their activities. You should have your own life so that you are dependent on no one. It is very important to have goals in life. If you see them progressing you should be proud of it rather than being jealous. You should believe in yourself and your abilities as well. If you will follow this principle in your life, chances are that you are going to solve half of the problems in your personal life as well.